


hard to explain

by spocklee



Category: Bleach
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-06
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-07 23:05:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4281417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spocklee/pseuds/spocklee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>yumichika thinks ikkaku is beautiful, and ikkaku thinks yumichika can take a punch. i guess they kind of sort of like each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hard to explain

**Author's Note:**

> i can't believe i spent last week rereading the first 200 chapters of bleach and then writing a 12 page fic about minor side characters

Yumichika couldn’t believe he was sitting on some human’s couch trying to explain something that he’d kept gracefully private for the last few decades.

 

Ikkaku was thankfully not in Keigo’s apartment at the moment, but out lurking around the neighborhood barefoot with a haphazardly carved wooden sword over his shoulder. Yumichika was reading a magazine full of bizarre human clothing and lounging in the tasteless human living room. He had murmured a disinterested goodbye without looking away before the door slammed shut. Before he could flip another page, Keigo had appeared at his side, and begun asking questions. Yumichika wished the child were as afraid of him as he was of Ikkaku, but Keigo was just a hair’s breadth short of being too uncomfortable to bother him.

 

The questions began plainly enough: if you’re friends then what’s with the apathetic goodbye? Are you a fighter too? Could you beat him in a fight? And then they veer into strangely casual territory; do you like your job? What even is your job? What’s on your eyes? Why are they on your eyes, is it a weapon?

 

“They’re ornaments. They bring attention to my beauty.”

 

Keigo finally seemed thrown by this, “Doesn’t that get in the way of fighting though? What if an opponent rips them off and rips all your eyelashes off with them?”

 

Yumichika ignored the shudder that went down his spine at the thought of losing all his eyelashes; he was terrible at putting on the false ones, “Beauty is worth any defensive flaw,” he tried to think of something to say that sounded characteristically Eleventh Division, “If an opponent is able to use my fashion choices against me, then I was never strong enough to beat them in the first place.”

 

“That’s actually almost wise.”

 

“Almost? _Actually_? Don’t you have a short mortal life to be wasting or something?” Yumichika slammed the magazine down in order to properly glare at Keigo, who only seemed to be unbothered and deep in thought.

 

“If you’re so into beauty, why are you and that scary bald guy friends?”

 

Yumichika wished Ikkaku somehow overheard this question from wherever he was at the moment, and would stick his giant cue-ball head in through the door or the second story window and demand to know if Keigo was implying he was ugly. After a moment of waiting and nothing happening, he sighed.

 

“Ikkaku is beautiful. A different type of beauty, but-“

 

Keigo started laughing. On his knees, doubled over, pounding the floor laughing. It was really quite loathsome looking and overdone.

 

“What?”

 

“You think that guy is beautiful? The guy could scare paint off a house just by looking at it.”

 

Yumichika opened the magazine back up, more for gesture than interest, “I wouldn’t expect someone who’s never fought a life-or-death battle to understand.”

 

The kid stopped laughing and went back to trying to look thoughtful, “I saw him fight. He didn’t look any different. Is it like a spirit vision thing? Like if I had better spirit vision I could see his true form when he fights? Does his true form have hair?”

 

“No, I mean-“ Yumichika flung the magazine calmly across the room to vent some of his growing frustration, “You saw him. Have you ever seen someone else fight like that, covered in their own blood and still smiling?”

 

“I guess not. It looked terrifying.”

 

Yumichika brought a delicate hand to his temple and closed his eyes, “Let me explain it differently. We have a captain. He loves to fight just like Ikkaku, but it’s not beautiful. He’s too strong. I’ve never seen our captain in a fight where he wasn’t holding back in some way.”

 

“Wait, there’s someone stronger than your friend?”

 

“Yes,” Yumichika, despite his impatience, smiled at the thought; “It drives Ikkaku up the wall.”

 

“… I think I’m still missing something. You think… power? Is beautiful? But not too much?”

 

Yumichika opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling, smile gone and his annoyance with Keigo quietly evaporated for no reason other than a strange gratitude for someone to talk to about this, “No. Well, Ikkaku’s strength is certainly beautiful but… what I mean is, I’ve seen Ikkaku in fights where he couldn’t afford to hold back anything. I’ve seen him drag his half-dead body away from fights he’d _won,_ ” his voice softened, “And he’s always so happy during them. I’ve never seen anyone so eager to laugh at death.”

 

Keigo’s voice had quieted with his own, “You don’t sound happy about it.”

 

“I’m happy that Ikkaku’s happy. I accepted a long time ago that I can’t stop him. And that I don't want to. It's who he is.”

 

“It must be hard though, to watch someone you love almost die so many times.”

 

Yumichika sighed, and then realized exactly what it is that Keigo said. Before he could disagree and explain himself, the door opened.

 

Ikkaku slunk in with his typical scowl. Keigo yelped and scurried back to his room. When Ikkaku turned his head to look at Yumichika, he was still on the couch, where he had been when he left, bored and inspecting his fingernails.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hello.”

 

Yumichika didn’t look at him, and Ikkaku huffed in the doorway before walking off to the bathroom.

 

He waited until he heard the door close, and then Yumichika leaned his head back across the armrest, and muttered an ugly ‘shit’ into the empty room.

 

*

 

Yachiru sat next to him outside of his and Yumichika’s quarters, watching him while he sanded down the wheels for a cart he had built her. He'd heard she was building a series of tunnels under the compounds, and wanted a way to transport all her tools despite the fact that she could easily carry several hundred pounds in her arms. He had complained, but it wasn’t such a pain. He just didn’t want her getting any ideas and asking him for shit all the time.

 

It was a nice day out. The sky was blue, and it was warm. Kind of bland, but decent weather to lie around and sleep. Yachiru had woken him up earlier from a nap in a hammock he’d set up in the trees in the courtyard. He hadn’t seen Yumichika all day. Sometimes he would disappear for hours, off training alone or shopping in Rukongai, and when he’d come home he would pretend he was too busy to talk, but then sit outside and bicker with Ikkaku until it was late in the evening.

 

“What are you smiling about, Baldy?”

 

“I’ve told you, don’t call me that!”

 

She leaned her head toward him and blinked, as if to ask the question again. He grunted and focused on the wheel in his hands. If he wasn’t careful, he’d sand it too hard and make it uneven. He forced himself to grimace again.

 

“I’m just thinking about tonight.”

 

“Are you hanging out with Yun-Yun later?”

 

“Yeah, probably.”

 

“You really like him, even though he’s not that strong!”

 

Ikkaku couldn’t tell if he was offended for Yumichika or himself, “Hey, he’s strong! He’s Eleventh Division, like the both of us.”

 

“Yeah, but he’s two seats behind you. And he’s three seats behind me!” She was giving him a sadly conspiratorial look, as if they both knew it to be the truth.

 

Ikkaku shook his head and reminded himself to focus despite muttering, “Doesn’t matter. He’s a fighter.”

 

“I don’t even think Yun-Yun likes fighting. He just wants to lie around and brush his hair all day.”

 

He actually grinned at that, “I know Yumichika better than anyone. And trust me, once you get him worked up, he likes a good fight. You know how we met?”

 

“No! Tell me!”

 

“I was wandering around outer Rukongai. One day, I overhear this huge argument going on outside a bar. I walk around the corner and there’s Yumichika, insisting to a bunch of thugs that he doesn’t remember owing money to a bunch of, ah what did he say? Hideous slugs in trash kimonos? Something ridiculous like that. Didn’t even acknowledge that they’re all probably about to beat the shit out of him.”

 

“And? What next, what next?”

 

“He beat the shit out of them back! I mean, he took out four before they had him surrounded, and that’s when I stepped in- if I hadn’t though, he wouldn’t have even backed down. Yumichika isn’t some kind of Fourth Division coward who would beg for his life. Don’t tell him I told you this, but I saw him spit in the leader’s face when the guy told him he was done for. Would have spent his last breath clawing a man’s eyes out. Yumichika… Yumichika just doesn’t give a shit, despite all his talk. Didn’t even have the simpering fucking courtesy to thank me after I saved his ass.”

 

“Aw, Baldy is in love with Yun-Yun! That’s so cute!”

 

The wheel cracked in his hand; he’d squeezed it too hard.

 

“Yachiru.” His voice came out quieter than he’d intended. She didn’t notice. She had already started running around in circles in the courtyard, chanting, “Baldy’s in love! Baldy’s in love with Yun-Yun!” She started tumbling around in the grass and laughing. There had to be a way, running through all the strategies in his head, to make sure she would never bring this up again.

 

“Yachiru!”

 

She turned to him, looking indignant past her age for being interrupted, “What?”

 

“You can’t ever tell anyone about this.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“I’ll… I’ll have to quit the 11th Division! And then I won’t be able to build you things anymore.”

 

“I’ll ask someone else.”

 

“You won’t be able to bite my head.”

 

She immediately started bawling.

 

“Hey! Hey, stop crying. Shit. It’s fine, just don’t tell anyone.”

 

“O-okay,” she was still shaking. His crybaby superior officer. Ikkaku dragged his hands down his face.

 

“Wait here.”

 

He disappeared inside his room and came back out with a handful of candy he kept in his drawers specifically for bribing her, and screamed when instead of taking it she just put his whole hand in her mouth and bit. It took a bit of arm-waving to shake her off, but finally she darted off across the rooftops with candy wrappers in her mouth and giggling as he yelled uselessly after her. His hand was soaked in drool.

 

“What was that about?”

 

Yumichika was standing behind him, out of uniform and therefore probably back from a trip in Rukongai. A small shopping bag on his arm confirmed it.

 

“Yachiru bit me. Since when were you here?”

 

“You sound surprised. And I just got back. Wash off, you’re disgusting and I don’t want to talk to you if you’re going to be dripping saliva all over the room.”

 

Ikkaku watched him walk inside and slam the door before muttering under his breath.

 

“Asshole.”

 

*

 

Ikkaku was a pile of meat and bones on the ground that was somehow still capable of speaking. Yumichika walked to his side, the fight over for the moment. Enemy reinforcements would arrive soon, but in this brief space of time he was able to kneel next to the almost-corpse and speak.

 

“Of course you’re still alive.”

 

Ikkaku smiled; his mouth was checkered from the spaces where a handful of his teeth had been, “Of course I am.”

 

It was clear he was in pain, although the adrenaline and loss of blood probably numbed some of it. He really did look incredibly happy though. Yumichika sighed and thought of the scar likely forming across his own face, a deep vertical gash along his nose and ending just below his mouth. It would take years to adjust his style to it, beautiful if not conventional, and it would take so much longer to adjust to the empty space that would replace Ikkaku.

 

He’d watched Ikkaku gather scars and injuries throughout the years, had stopped keeping track of them when they had kept growing and growing. Ikkaku had survived truly vicious and terrible things, but this honestly seemed like a bit too much. Whatever it was that kept the man alive through everything, Yumichika was sure that it had finally snapped.

 

“Hey, what’s with that lousy face?”

 

There were several answers; _You’re dying, jackass. We’re in the middle of a war. You’re the only family I have. You’re the only person I’ve ever had to come home to. I can’t believe I decided to follow such a reckless bald grim-faced stranger all those years ago and ever let myself care about him. I’ll miss you._

He just sighed.

 

“Ah, jeez. Don’t do that, Yumichika. You’re gonna ruin my good mood.”

 

“Well, I’m sorry that _one_ of us is upset.”

 

Ikkaku’s grin slipped off and he sighed back, “It’s not like I want to die right now. But I can’t really do anythin’ about it, okay?” Something cool brushed against Yumichika’s hand, and he looked down and realized it was Ikkaku’s hand, crawling like an injured insect toward his own. He’d never forgive himself if he cried now, after decades of stopping himself. He looked down at his own lap and said nothing.

 

“I’m glad you’re here though. I was always hoping you would be.”

 

“Oh, stop talking like you’re gonna die! The medical crew will be here any minute.”

 

“No they won’t,” Ikkaku didn’t even have the decency to sound angry about his denial, “I just don’t have the energy to make it. I’m not even running off fumes right now.”

 

Yumichika suddenly knew one last straw he could grasp at.

 

“Another enemy will be here any moment.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

He looked down at Ikkaku, who was staring back at him with a face that quietly knew the truth between the both of them. It was unlikely that Yumichika would be able to hold his own against reinforcements. If they had been any other two people, if they were a different division, now would have been the time for Ikkaku to tell him to run and save himself.

 

They were Eleventh Division. Ikkaku respected him enough to say nothing, and only to nod. Something could be felt approaching, and Yumichika began to stand to face them. He paused, and then knelt back down and brought a hand gently to Ikkaku’s face.

 

“Wait for me.”

 

“What are you-“

 

“Please. Just promise you’ll stay until the end of this fight.”

 

Ikkaku stared up at him, brows furrowed, but he didn’t look away.

 

“Okay.”

 

Yumichika actually smiled at that. He stood up and walked away before he could stop himself, trying to put a safe distance between the two of them. When the three enemies landed in front of him, he forced a charmingly bored tone to his voice for old time's sake.

 

“I’m Yumichika Ayasegawa, Eleventh Division. I’m sorry, but I’ll have to make this quick.”

 

*

 

Yumichika plucked two flowers from the vines overhead, and released the power; the plants disappeared and the extent of his injuries fell like a weight across his shoulders. He turned his back on the three skeletons withering away behind him, and stumbled over to where he’d left Ikkaku.

 

He almost missed the body, having trouble telling it apart from the rubble that had become the landscape for miles. The bright red of blood led him back, although it was already fading to brown in the places where it had splashed and dripped across stone. He knelt next to Ikkaku and pressed his head to his chest and listened.

 

“Please, please, please still be here-“

 

There was a slight hitch under his ear and he pulled his face up, “Hey, wake up, wake up and eat this damn thing-“

 

Ikkaku continued shallowly breathing, eyes closed and ignorant to him. Yumichika snarled and started eating one of the flowers, and hesitated for only a moment before leaning forward and pressing his mouth to Ikkaku’s.

 

It was disgusting. He had to use his hands to open his lips, and he realized almost too late that he’d have to prop up Ikkaku’s head to make sure he wouldn’t choke on the mush. He rubbed Ikkaku’s throat to try to get it to move down, and let himself eat whatever was left over to heal his own injuries.

 

Ikkaku came back to consciousness coughing, flinging himself up from Yumichika’s lap.

 

“What the fuck is in my mouth?”

 

“Trust me, just eat it.”

 

He swallowed without arguing, “You’re still alive. You won?”

 

“Of course. Eat this.”

 

Ikkaku took the second flower, and with a quick glance at him, took a bite out of it. He seemed to roll it around in his mouth, and Yumichika remembered that he was missing several teeth. Ikkaku took another bite.

 

“So, what is this?”

 

Yumichika began calmly to explain. His false first release, the real name of his sword, how he would obviously quit the Eleventh Division and Soul Society itself, or let himself be executed, or whatever the punishment was for this coward’s weapon. Ikkaku kept eating but looked angrier and angrier. Finally, he interrupted.

 

“Wait, how long have you known your sword’s real name?”

 

“About twenty years, I suppose.”

 

Ikkaku must have been feeling better, because he reached out and pulled him forward with a strong grip around his collar, “What the fuck, Yumichika?”

 

“I know. I should have left the division as soon as I found out-“

 

“You should have fucking told me! You kept this secret for twenty years?”

 

“Hisagi knows, but only because I had to use it against him.”

 

“Hisagi? Fucking Hisagi knows and not me?”

 

Yumichika decided that Ikkaku was healthy enough to yell back at, “Oh, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell anyone in my big tough division that I’m a fucking kido piece of trash!”

 

“I’m not just another person in your fucking division! I’m-“ Ikkaku cut himself off, and let go of his collar, “I’m not gonna let you quit over bullshit like this. Asshole.”

 

“That’s sweet, but the captain won’t allow-“

 

“If Kenpachi has a problem with you, I’ll kill him myself.”

 

Ikkaku said it with such conviction that Yumichika flinched back.

 

“He’s our captain.”

 

“So? I don’t give a shit. I respect him, but if he’s the kind of captain that doesn’t want you around, I’ll just kill him and become the new captain.”

 

Yumichika realized he was breathing fast. He was leaning forward now after the flinch backwards, bracing himself with one hand on the ground and one hand on Ikkaku’s thigh. All the scenarios he’d created where Ikkaku called him worthless or offered to execute him with his own hands seemed incredibly unbelievable now. Ikkaku’s hand, warm and unlike the cold creature that had crawled toward him earlier, placed itself on Yumichika’s cheek. A calloused thumb brushed the skin alongside the scar down his face, and Yumichika gave a silent blessing to it if only for this moment where Ikkaku's gaze followed the trail of it from his forehead to his mouth. Ikkaku was still looking at it when he spoke.

 

“I can’t believe it took me getting completely fucking maimed for you to realize that I-“

 

Yumichika leaned forward the last few inches and kissed him. The angle was off, and Ikkaku was completely wrecking his hair with the way he was pushing his hands through it, and he gasped when Ikkaku bit at the part of his lip where the scar ran down. He was absolutely sure that he was literally glowing. He ended up breathless, which in most cases he would find ugly but in this context he found rather lovely.

 

“How is it my fault that you're too sullen and stoic all the time for me to be able to tell? And it’s not like you were smart enough to realize all these years that I-“

 

As if neither of them were allowed to say it out loud, Ikkaku cut off the sentence by kissing him. Yumichika pulled back to laugh in his face.

 

“You better live through the rest of this war.”

 

“I plan on it.”

**Author's Note:**

> NO HARD FEELINGS TOWARDS KENPACHI I LOVE HIM tbh i feel like he would respect ikkaku being so stone-cold about murdering him he'd be like 'wow that's hilarious'


End file.
